Art Farts
by Bleeping Bloop
Summary: Enjoy a civilized discussion on the nature and workings of art with Konan, Deidara, Sasori, and Sai. A talk show parody which just happens to be a one-shot.


Art Farts

Enjoy a civilized discussion on the nature of art with Konan, Deidara, Sasori, and Sai. A talk show parody which just happens to be a one-shot.

**Bold** is the host's voice. Imagine a suave British gentleman who has toured the world searching for lost artistic treasures but is now on public broadcasting due to him being too trusting with Nigerian royalty. If you are Prince AkiAki, the host is still waiting for his share of the money. Due to his financial troubles, he had to sell his body to science. Science then donated his voice to the public broadcasting world, because it was too monotone and British to pass up.

_Italics_ represent a character's thoughts they don't want the others to hear. Like Deidara confessing his love to Sasori and/or Sai. The S's are so tricky.

**A disclaimer** is used so no bitches will report me. I don't own Naruto, there I said it.

_Warnings_ are best defined as a way to shut up whiney brats. There is very slight Deidara bashing and mentions of gayness. Sai has a penis fetish, that's why it's M. Fuck asshole, there is swearing, damnit! Lastly, there is one OC and that is the host. He is also a Mary Sue and makes everyone fall in love with him in the end. Great, I just ruined the story. My b. Seriously though this is my first time writing Sai. Tell me if I got him right? I tried my hardest and despite being a very "cracky" character, he's fucking hard to transit. I read _**all**_ of my reviews (hint, hint) before my ego eats them.

**Hello new friends and welcome to a very special edition of Art Farts. With me today is the beautiful mistress of origami, Konan. That crazy puppet guy Sasori and the half shirt wearing bastard, Sai. Oh and Deidara is here.**

The aforementioned people sat on their own pastel couch (in that order) with the last one not looking particularly happy. A coffee table with bottles of water and paper was settled between them. Being a public broadcasting show, the set wasn't anything too impressive, just bland walls.

"How come I didn't get a proper introduction," Deidara questioned the host. "I am clearly the most artistic one here, un."

"Don't make me laugh," Sasori scoffed, waving him off. "You don't even understand the fundamentals."

_Great an ego war_, Konan thought, with an eye roll.

Sai used Fake Smile. It was super effective! Konan got Creeped Out! Deidara and Sasori dodged the attack.

**Well readers, welcome again to Art Farts. With us today are three respectable artists, and Deidara.**

"How is that better," Deidara yelled.

**Three masters of their own crafts and a blonde shemale.**

"Again," Deidara demanded.

**An origami genius, a puppeteer, a painter and a whiney bitch.**

"So Sai was it," Konan asked, trying to get Deidara to shut up and/or gather intel on the pasty man smiling at her. "Tell us a bit about yourself."

"I like to paint and have two teammates, Ugly and Dickless. Ugly hurts and Dickless is gay for his teammate."

"I feel your pain," Sasori mumbled. "My partner is the same way. Is he a complete and utter moron?"

"Why yes," Sai said with a great smile.

"Blonde," Sasori asked with a tinge of hope.

"Yes," Sai nodded.

"Have me," Sasori deadpanned. He cleared off the coffee table that was between him and his soul mate and lay upon it. "On this coffee table, now!"

"Later Fire Crotch," Sai smiled.

"Fire Crotch," Sasori asked, repeating the word in a dream-like state, returning to his sofa.

"A nickname that suits you."

**First question is from Hannah in Montana. What inspires you?**

"I get inspired by the beauty in nature," Konan spoke. "Such as roses, butterflies and-"

"Penis," Sai added on. Konan covered her mouth,, Deidara snickered and Sasori fell deeper into infatuation.

"The human form," Sasori answered, but still kept a love struck eye on Sai. "Intricate movements and all the small details."

"Fire, bombs, destruction, fire, chaos, panic, fire, and Fire Crotches," Deidara smirked. "Un." He glanced over at Sasori who was shooting daggers at the blonde.

"That is for Sai's mouth to form only," Sasori glared.

**Second question is from Emily in Ethiopia. Where did you learn your trade and/or who taught you?**

"Woah," Konan gasped. "We can't move on after that comment!" Sai shrugged and used Fake Smile again. Konan got Super Creeped Out!

"I have like thirty episodes devoted to that," Sasori stated.

Deidara cleared his throat and commanded total attention from his fellow artists. "When I was a young-"

**Third question-**

"Hey," Deidara interjected rudely. "I was about to get angsty!"

**Exactly.**

"While I was being stripped of emotion, it was the one thing my psyche held on to," Sai smiled again.

"Freak," Deidara gasped. Konan silently nodded in agreement.

"Jealous," Sasori corrected.

**Third question is from La-Sha. No, La-Shenada. Damn it, La-Shanaynay. Damn. Third question is from an ethnic name living in Canada. They ask, what sprit animal do you take inspiration from?**

"We seriously aren't going back," Konan asked, looking around at the men for support. "Probably butterflies."

"Birds," Deidara stated. "Free sprits that lose their artistic abilities when you cage them. Cough, Akatsuki, cough, un."

"So," Sasori whispered into Sai's ear. "What are you doing after the show?"

"Going to make human connections so I can relearn emotions," Sai answered.

"Have you ever made any _connections_ with a puppet?"

**Mr. Akasuna, your microphone is still attached. Please refrain from hitting on guests until after the show.** **And with that disturbing note, that ends our questionnaire part of Art Farts. Wait, I lied. One more question. Don't look at me like that, I'm only a voice! Anyways, the last question, from a mister Starvin' Marvin' is, what is true art?**

"Fleeting," Deidara all too happily yelled.

"Eternal," Sasori sighed. "We've also been over this."

"Something that you enjoy," Konan stated.

"And share," Sai genuinely smiled.

_Maybe I pegged him wrong_, Konan pondered.

_Fuck me now,_ Sasori tried to transmit to Sai's thoughts.

_Okay_, Deidara replied mentally.

"I wonder if you have a dick," Sai said, pointing at Deidara.

**Next, I would like each guest to make something of their own choosing using the materials under your chairs.**

Each artist and Deidara reached under their seats to find a box filled to the top, for their own craft. Konan's had a piece of paper, Sai had paper and a pen, Deidara had non-explosive clay, and Sasori had a knife and a human child.

"What the hell," Deidara yelled. "This doesn't explode, un."

"Who cares," Konan shouted. "Who gave Sasori a baby?"

"You will be a fine puppet," Sasori whispered into the child's ear. "Just a simple carve here." Sasori held the knife up to the baby's whisker marks. When he was about to make the first incision, the baby exploded into a cloud of smoke.

"I've captured the Akatsuki," the once baby yelled, holding on to Sasori's neck. Somehow, the baby transformed into a blonde teenager with a seriously bad orange fashion crisis. "Sasuke's wannabe replacement, grab the other two." Sasori pushed the stubborn teen off his neck and safely put him into the nearest wall.

"You came out too soon, Dickless," Sai scowled at Naruto, who quickly joined him at his side.

"What was I supposed to do, get cut by the psycho, believe it," Naruto asked.

"Do you have to use the English dub?"

"Believe it!"

"Go non-explosive clay, un," Deidara yelled, sending a clay turtle at Sai and Naruto.

"Watch out," Naruto panicked. "It can explode any minute! Believe it!"

"Let's go," Konan commanded and started running towards the fire escape.

"Until next time losers, un," Deidara laughed, following Konan out.

"Yes, until next time," Sasori said with an outstretched hand held in Sai's direction and the other one over his heart. It was super effective! Konan, Deidara and Sai got Creeped Out!

**And that concludes this episode of Art Farts. Please stay tuned as we talk to Sasuke Uchiha about the fundamentals of brotherly love. **

"Hey," Naruto called to the host. "Where's Sasuke?"

**Down the hall and to the left, just follow the sounds of woman orgasming.**

"He doesn't know what that sounds like," Sai shouted. Naruto, unfortunately left the room in pursuit of his long lost teammate/lover. "I never did see the red head's dick," Sai pondered to himself.

"I don't have one," Sasori answered, coming in through the fire escape. "I needed to see your face one more time."

"Hey Dickless I think I found you a friend," Sai called, running after Naruto and leaving a heartbroken Sasori in his wake. With a sad look he turned back down the fire escape and followed his comrades out.


End file.
